Brand New Fic of the Week: 7/23-7/29

July 25, 2010

Stigmata Tomato by BellaFlan
Review by KylaPricky

Rating: M
Genre: Humor/Angst
Characters: Bella/Edward

Summary: Alert the Darwin Awards! Bella Swan, depressed and demented, nearly dies trying to kill herself & is shipped to Forks WA. Watch her update her facebook status and fall in love. WARNING: MA, very dark comedy. OOC w/ nod to canon , E/B some Jake , AH

Bella has to move to Forks after an accident. Although it was indeed an accident, she may or may not have been contemplating suicide. Ok…well she was, but she decided otherwise;

“The bathwater had cooled to tepid, but still, I held a steak knife to the bluish flesh of my wrist without any real follow-through. The serrated edge was duller than I expected. Shit, this was stupid. Who was I kidding? It's not like I had the stomach to slice through my skin, not when I couldn't even apply enough pressure to tear through the first dead layer. Also, what if I didn't kill myself all-the-way dead and contracted Tetanus or something?”

Even though she doesn't go through with it, in true Bella form and fashion she falls and falls onto the knife she was planning on doing the deed with and is now sent to live with her with her father, Charlie.

Please don’t let the suicide deter all you wussperv, anti-angst readers. This story is hilarious. HILARIOUS. Shouty caps just in case you didn’t get the point from the quote above. (Seriously, no pun intended.)

This is dark humor at its finest and can I just say that I love Bella’s that drop the F-bomb? This Bella drops it and often, that’s for sure, but that’s not the only reason I’m drawn to her. The author writes Bella’s hilarity/teenage angst flawlessly and the reader’s introduction to Edward ain’t so bad either;

“My tongue tripped over the last word as something shiny in the parking lot caught my attention. A silver Volvo glared haughtily at my crap-heap, and instantly, I was ashamed. "Woah... fancy." Even fancier still was the boy who emerged from the vehicle, his hair arranged on his head like he had been fucking all afternoon and then he sprayed it in place during the post-coital afterglow. He ran his hand through his hair a few times and dropped his keys into his front pocket, pulling the jeans down slightly in the process. I became aware of drool forming on my chin. Shit, he was better than anything my wet dreams could ever conjure up, and I suddenly regretted not packing my dildo in my carry-on. He strutted into the sporting goods store, moving with an almost feline grace.
He was so beautiful that he practically sparkled”.

This is right before Bella nose leaks some blood on Edward’s shoe. Yeah...I’m telling you this fic kills me.

This story is only two chapters in but it quickly has become one of my new favorites.
Ms. Flan had me in tears and belly busting laughter from the very get go.

I’m bouncing on the edge of my seat waiting to see what other predicaments this Bella gets herself into and to see how this Edward and Jacob will play into this story. Oh, did I not mention Jake before? Yea, Jake’s here too and he is referred to as a “sex god” as well.

Hummna hummna! This Bella’s got two sex gods and her social networking skills to keep her afloat and to ensure that the hilarity in this story will keep us rolling.

This comedic angst story has fun written all over it. You will be sore when everyone’s laughing and you don’t know why, so don’t be left out - GO READ....NOW!

Banner by JaimeArkin


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