Submitted Fic of the Week: 8/22/11

August 25, 2011

Hands Open by Nikita2009
Review by AnonymouslySufferingFromOCD

Rating: M
Genre: Romance/Humor
Characters: Edward/Bella

Summary: Foul mouthed Bella temporarily moves to Los Angeles for Alice and Jasper's wedding where she meets Edward "Firecrotch" Cullen. Will these two romantically challenged people be able to get it together and realize they are perfect for eachother? BXE, AH 

I was intrigued with this story from the moment I read the summary, I mean Edward “Firecrotch” Cullen, what could be more hilarious and awesome at the same time? Oh wait, I know, Bella “Grannypants” Swan could be!

We first meet Grannypants as she is boarding a plane to Australia and leaving behind her beloved Firecrotch just after he shouted to her that he is in love with her to the whole airport.

Was I worried to be leaving him for 3 months? Nope. I trusted in the fact that if it was meant to be, it would be, and that I had no right to ask anything of him while I was away. If it was meant to work out it would in all due time. 

I picked up my carry-on bag and turned to walk away. I got about ten feet away when he called my name, well, my nickname of Granny Pants. I stopped, but didn't turn around. If I would have looked back at his fucking beautiful face I would have stayed. 

So I kept walking, and he blurted out loud enough for me to still hear, "I just want you to know I'm in love with you Bella." I put my head down and kept walking. I was sad to leave but I had to go, and honestly really fucking pissed off that Firecrotch had pulled this moment to tell me he had fucking "feelings." Not Grannypants, my nickname he'd given me when I'd first met him, but "Bella." So that shit must have been serious. Argh. If he wasn't such a seriously intelligent person I'd think he'd had a brain injury for his lack of timing. 

The story then back tracks four months and allows us to understand first how this snarky Bella, and this anal retentive, closet nerd Edward met and then how they became known as Grannypants and Firecrotch.

If you are looking for a good laugh, this story will give you that. Bella and Alice are besties as they should be. They met when they were about twelve, and living in a group home. Bella had lost her mom when she was eight to cancer and her dad when she was twelve to a car accident. She has always been a bigger girl and because of that she was made fun of most of her life. The teasing that she is subjected to helps Bella become the strong, snarky, foul-mouthed Grannypants that we all come to love. Because of their friendship Bella is, of course, the maid of honor to Alice when she marries Jasper.

Edward, being Jasper’s best friend, grew up very differently than Bella and Alice. He was a doctor’s son and always had access to everything he wanted. Fortunately, instead of turning him into a snob, it turns him into someone that understands working hard to get what you want means more than having it handed to you.

Because of Bella’s past she does have a hard time letting our Firecrotch in. However, once she opens her heart she understands how good it can be with the one that you are meant to be with. Edward never has any doubts about wanting to be with his Grannypants, and is willing to take his time and let her be ready for him.

I closed my eyes. Bella, you're killing me here. All these mixed signals from here were confusing the hell out of me. 



"Open your eyes." I did and met hers, a powerful emotion burning in hers. 

The sky chose this moment to let loose and the rain started pouring, drenching us in seconds. 

"Please. I want this to work more than anything I've ever wanted in my whole motherfucking life." She begged me, her voice taut with emotion. 

And against my better judgment, I made my deal with my own personal devil in a dirty garbage filled alley behind a restaurant. 


A rain soaked Bella with her hair a mess and her makeup running, begging me for something was my undoing. I'd bet Bella had never begged for anything in her whole life. 

She closed her eyes, drew in a deep breath, and murmured. "Thank you." 

I wrapped my arms around her and buried my nose in her hair. 

Nikita2009 really does a great job making us laugh throughout the whole story. She also throws in some really hot makeout sessions and a few lemons along the way. I highly recommend you check it out when you need a break from all of the angst that is out there in the fandom. Oh and just so you know, Nikita2009 has decided to continue the saga of Firecrotch and Grannypants in the sequel, Over My Head, it is only 3 chapters in but, so far, I think it is promising to be as good as the first.


  1. Debbie said...:

    Oh, I'm so glad you decided to feature this fic! It's one of my favorites, not only because Nikita is a fabulously talented writer, but also because her Bella is a "normal-sized" gal, sorta like myself. It's quite refreshing to read about someone who isn't tiny and petite and breakable. And this isn't all about her physical characteristics, either. This Bella is strong and funny and sarcastic and boy, does she have a sailor's mouth! I just loved her. And oh, this Edward is mouth-watering. Yes, he's a tad nerdy, but a real hottie. I think that I love him most, though, because of the way he feels about Bella. He loves her for her mind and her body and appreciates every single pound and inch. Quite refreshing, I must say. This story is simply fabulous, and I hope everyone runs over and reads it, along with her other great stories. I can't wait to read the sequel. I've missed Grannypants and Firecrotch!

  1. PAW'sPeaches said...:

    i've heard a lot about this fic lately but this review really brought into light what the story is really about. Being an average size woman i can totally relate to this bella and it's refreshing to have authors out there that want to give her a voice.

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