Completed Fic of the Week: 2/13/12

February 15, 2012

The Stench Wars by BookishQua
Review by AnonymouslySufferingFromOCD

Rating: M
Genre: Humor/Romance
Characters: Edward & Bella

Summary: Edward returns from Italy to find Jacob Black has become Bella's BFF and is interfering with their relationship. Jacob Black is never going to know what has hit him. AU Eclipse Satire. ExB

This week’s completed fic of the week will have you laughing from beginning to end. Dubbed Romance/Humor it is the complete Eclipse Satire and it is completely funny.

The story is told by our favorite vampire Edward Cullen. We begin in Italy, and this Edward is a little out of character from how we normally expect him to be. In this version of Eclipse he lets us into not only his mind but the minds of those around him to give us a new perspective from our favorite characters.

Determined to put Jacob Black in his place, while still being the loving and supportive boyfriend/fiancé that Bella needs him to be, Edward garners help from the most unexpected parties, including Marcus and Aro from the Volturi, and even Gus and Douglas his friendly neighborhood gopher and squirrel.

Edward along with his family and friends decide to torture the wolves— in a totally non-violent and humorous way—practically from the minute they return from Italy. Edward convinces a few of them that not only is he a vampire that drinks animal blood but also a devil worshiper that sacrifices the animals that he kills. Thus beginning a beautiful friendship with the small rodents and wildlife in the area.

Perhaps I said a fervent prayer or two to the Dark Lord and wiped blood on my cheeks in the shape of runes in a grossing out grudge fest. My noise startled a gopher–I think it was– to pop out of his hole and do the animal equivalent of pointing at me and shrieking. He was on the edge of the wolves's hearing ability. 

I mouthed to him, "I'm totally faking this. Work with me and there's a bag of tulip bulbs in it for you." He blinked at me, grinned, and held up two claws. "Fine. Two it is." We fist bumped. Then, putting a paw to his forehead, he promptly let out a pathetic sounding wail, fake fainted and slid right back down to his underground tunnel. The pack thought I killed him with my knife-like breath of doom and flick of my fist. Aided by the snapping of a few twigs on my part. I let out a malevolent laugh right as a clap of thunder boomed. Am I awesome or what? 

"Thank you, Dark Master for my new familiar!" I cried waving a bloody fist towards the sky. "Our souls are bound together for eternity! Mwa-hah-hah!" How DID the hollywood actors do that laugh and not completely crack up? I could hear the ground hog cheeping with guffaws down below and stomped on the earth just hard enough to tell him to keep it down without bringing his roof crashing on his head. He was ruining my performance. And I had to bite my cheek to keep from laughing thanks to him. He chortled harder. Fortunately that sounded like animals squealing, so the wolves thought I was killing more of them with my mighty feet of Doom. 

This parody has so much humor I can’t even begin to cover it. I know that once you’ve read it you will be ROTFLYAO, much like I was. Seriously the looks I got from my kids while reading this story were a little worrisome. If you are in the mood for a laugh and some out of character humor from our favorite Edward Cullen, and some much needed torture for the toddler (aka Jacob Black) give this one a whirl. BookishQua does a good job and keeping it light.


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