Dark Alleys and Other Love Stories by Incognito Burrito
Review by Jaspers Izzy
Rating: M
Characters: Edward/Bella
Summary: Vampire Edward meets human Bella when she is being attacked in a dark alley. Things get ugly and Edward is forced to take her to his house to save her.Not all great love stories start once upon a time and far far away; some begin down dark alleys.
I am so very excited to tell everyone about this story. I am an avid lover of the darker side of Twilight, so the name alone drew me in. From the first chapter I was expecting something completely different. He's stalking his prey in none other than a dark alley.
But here, again, thinking very predictable thoughts was another filthy excuse for a human being. When a vampire has that opinion of you, it's time to reconsider the way you're living. Too bad this piece of trash wouldn't get the chance.
Yup, human drinking Edward. What's more awesome that than? Not much, except for maybe a snarky human drinking Edward. Yes, I was not expecting how funny this story is, but it was quite refreshing to see the humor mixed into the dark.
Edward finds that his kill has prey of his own, and he decided to intervene.
“Excuse me,” I began, hearing the almost musical sound of my voice reverberate in the annoyingly cliché back alley.
“What'choo want? We don't got nothing we can do for you man,” my friend, the criminal/poet laureate yelled, obviously intent on butchering the English language along with the young woman cowering against the brink wall.
I was hoping we could discuss the importance of good citizenship and the benefits of avoiding double negatives, but I have a sinking feeling I have the wrong man, I answered, appearing at his side just a bit too quickly.
I admit, I let out several very loud, unladylike snorts while reading this story. Edward, while a brooding, reclusive vampire, is very funny. His thought processes are ridiculous, but they also make complete sense. It's part of why I love this story so much.
Now, of course, the damsel in distress is none other than Bella. She's an anomaly to Edward, being as he can't read her mind, but he thinks nothing of it at first. Bella's attacker decides he's had enough of Edward's intervention and turns the gun on her. When Edward shows no signs of caring, because quite honestly he doesn't, he does the opposite and turns the gun on Edward.
Edward knows this fool can't hurt him, but Bella doesn't, and she does something Edward didn't predict.
None of this bothered me. Because guns don't hurt vampires. And Damsels - in distress or not – are predictable, and I rarely care to hear their thoughts anyhow.
But had I been able to hear those thoughts, I would have learned not everyone was as predictable as my friend with the gun. Because while the shot he soon fired wouldn't have hurt me, it sliced through the soft skin of the woman as she suddenly jumped between me and it in a misguided effort to save my life.
Edward, of course, takes care of the scum bag in the alley, but unfortunately, Bella has seen everything. He feels bad that this girl tried to sacrifice herself for him, so he takes her home in order to save her. Once he gets her home, he realizes just what a mistake he's made in saving her. He's a vampire, she's a human. There are rules against this sort of thing, so with a somewhat conflicted heart, he decides it would be best if he does kill her.
Shit. I'd have to kill her.
Not that that should be a problem. I mean, like I said, I kill people all the time. Sure, they're usually bad people the world is better off without – not people who risk their lives to save me – but still. Now was not the time to quibble semantics; killing is killing. And it was time to kill.
I stalked back up to the bedroom promising I'd make it painless for her. I'd probably even just break her neck instead of draining her, since it seemed a little rude to eat a woman who'd just taken a bullet for you.
Gah, I love this Edward. I'm a Jasper girl at heart, so saying I love Edward in a fic is saying something. Well, obviously Edward doesn't kill her. Which leads to these two being forced to live together. Edward just can't let her go. She'll now forever be forced to stay with him, and while this initially aggravates Edward, he becomes fascinated by Bella.
She's really no better, especially since she can't fully understand what she saw in the alley when she took a bullet for him. Her initial thought on that...
He was just too pretty to die.
Bella is completely attracted to him, I mean, who wouldn't be? Edward's a hot vampire. (swoons a little) She doesn't find out what he is at first, and her theories are just plain hilarious.
… the main thing that was running through my mind as I watched my attacker turn his gun toward the brave, bronze haired stranger in front of me was simply how unfair it all was. Here was this fearless man- about my age- coming to my aid in a bad situation...
At least I thought he was coming to my aid. I'm actually a little muddy on all that. He seemed like a superhero until he began eating that guy. Did I really see that?
Typical Bella. Take a bullet for a guy and it turns out he's a zombie. A hot zombie, but a zombie nonetheless.
I love zombies, so that had me in stitches. When Bella does find out what Edward is, the banter between these two turns hilarious. Bella doesn't find Edward all that scary, and while it disturbs Edward she has no aversion to him, he is somewhat insulted to be thought of anything less than a bad ass vampire.
“What are you doing?” I asked, distracted from his confession by the the odd gesture.
“I just...Um...wanted to be ready in case you... you know...faint,” he finished lamely.
“Faint?”
“Well, you are a woman and I did just tell you I am an undead creature of inexplicable horror,” Edward said.
“Okay. Wow. Um. A: What kind of women are you thinking of that just go around fainting? Like, old timey women with Victorian fans that have 'the vapors'? Because this is 2010 Edward. Women don't faint. And B: 'undead creature of inexplicable horror?' Who talks like that? And get over yourself. That puppet from the “Saw” movies is like a billion times more scary that you.”
“What? I'm scary! Vampires are scary! What puppet guy?” he shot back, indigent.
Yes, again, the banter! It is what makes this fic so awesome! It's a hard thing to write witty banter between two characters, but Incognito Burrito does it flawlessly.
I won't share any more of this, because quite honestly I think I shared enough, and this is just from the first couple of chapters. The rest of the fic is just as amazing. Filled with conflict and decisions, funny moments and ones that keep you on the edge of your seat. This fic has it all. And while you originally might get the idea this fic is dark, it really isn't, but there are some good angst filled chapters and some fluff thrown in.
Please, please, give this fic a try. It is so very intriguing and it's held my attention every time I've read it. Yes, I've read it more than once, and I quite honestly, hardly ever read a fic more than once. This story is amazing, so put it on your reading list and leave her some love. She totally deserves it.
