Dirt Roads by winehoes
Reviewed by twilly
Rating: M
Genre: Humor/Romance
Characters: Edward & Bella
Summary: Trucker hats, possums, and dirt roads. Shenanigans ensue. Is there really less trouble in the country, or are the kids just better at not getting caught? ExB, AH. Story contains illegal drug use.
I let
Dirt Roads sit open on my desktop for three days after it was mentioned in the closing author’s note of iambeagle’s
First of the Month.
“Make sure you check out Dirt Roads by winehoes (collab w/Livie79)”
I always follow directions. Well, most of the time. OK fine, I don’t really follow directions that often; but I did this time! So it sat open in a tab on my desktop for three days, surviving any accidental window closures and computer shutdowns. For me, that’s a sign; it’s meant to be; it’s kismet!
I’ll have to admit, the very first line hooked me.
“I'd never given much thought to how I would die, but even if I had, I could think of a million better ways than this.”
Truthfully, said hooking may have been in small part to my own personal
Twilight tradition. When I watch
Twilight, and Bella narrates as she enters the ballet studio, “I’ve never given much thought to how I would die…” I always say, out loud, “Yes you have, you were just wondering about it like an hour and a half ago!”
Even though the initial hook was a link to my own private
Mystery Science Theater 3000-ish viewing of Twilight, I dare you to read a four hundred and seventy word prologue that starts with the realization that dying for someone else is stupid and covers; road head, a hippie-therapist Charlie, and pretty flower arrangements; and ends with Edward in a trucker hat, and not want to read more!
Seriously; right now. Go. I dare you.
You came back! Awesome. Here’s a little more about the story.
Bella is a New York City party girl. Bailing her out of jail is the last straw for Charlie, who thinks a change of scenery and lifestyle is just what Bella needs to straighten her out for her senior year of high school.
"We're moving."
This couldn't be happening.
"But...your clients! And...you love New York. I love New York!"
"Well, honey, now we're going to love Intercourse," Charlie said, slightly cringing. "It's in Alabama."
From her very first moments in Intercourse, Bella is on edge, starting when she and Charlie move into a house that she is certain is haunted. Eager to escape her own personal Amityville house, she makes a late night run to the local Kum & Go where she meets Edward, “Intercourse's one and only reefer keeper," and Smartie pusher. A couple of rounds of
puff puff pass and a ghost story later, Bella has a date with a plate of liver and gizzards.
Bella spends the waning days of summer hanging out with Edward and his friends, doing community service and trying to remind herself, “Inner monologue meant inner, Bella.” Edward spends his waning days pissing her off and then charming the pants off her. Sometimes literally.
Edward stepped closer to me before tilting his head back and to the side a little with a half smile on his face, looking playfully apologetic and cocky at the same time. He bent his knees a little, so he was more eye level with me, making my mind fuzzy.
I was pissed at him, right? I couldn't seem to remember the reason all of a sudden, so whatever it was couldn't have been too important.
With one step closer, he tugged my finger playfully, causing me to stumble forward until our foreheads were almost touching.
Looking directly into my eyes, he whispered, "Seriously, Pockets. I really am sorry."
And I was fucked. So utterly fucked, it wasn't even funny. The look in his eyes was so devilish, I almost blushed. That is, if I were a blusher, which I wasn't.
We were totally going to have sex. But that thought was cut short as I watched him reach into his pocket and pull out a joint.
"Peace offering?" he asked, holding it out towards me.
I really wanted to stay mad, but he did seem sorry. Also, his smile was kind of nice, and that weed was so fucking good. Ugh. This guy. He's one smooth motherfucker, I'll give him that.
A strange feeling crept into the pit of my stomach. One that was telling me he was going to complicate things for me in the long run. But I shut that part of my brain off for now and nodded my ascent.
"We're good then?" He asked with a smile spreading across his beautiful face.
I knew something else he could spread, and it just so happened to be my legs. Not the point though.
Without my consent, because my brain and heart were feisty little fuckers who never agreed on anything, a smile crept across my own face in return.
"Yeah, we're good. You just better not ever do something like that to me again," I added with a lift of my brow.
Edward, even after knowing him for less than a day, accessed me in a way that made me squirm. A mischievous look gleamed in his eyes again and I knew right then it would not be the last time he fucked with me. Unfortunately, it also dawned on me that I didn't even care.
The chemistry between these two is off the charts, leading Rosalie to quip,
"Well, damn. Watching you guys is like watching soft porn; just enough to get you going but not enough to slide into home base.”
And a few days later, Emmett to add,
"I'm going to have to call Rose and let her know that you two have moved up a few notches. Soft porn, my ass."
Edward and Bella seemed to be cock blocked at every turn whether by ‘possums, Swamp Frog or Emmett’s hairy ass. Until…haha, I’m not going to tell you! You have to go read it. But, I know. Just saying.
One of the things I especially love about this Edward is that he is respectful of Bella as a person and doesn’t use his concern for her as an excuse to be controlling.
Edward grabbed my hand before I could get out of the truck. "Hey. There are going to be a lot of people from school here tonight and I know you smoke weed and drink, but there are some kids here that will have other stuff," he said, looking uneasy. "I'm not telling you what to do or anything like that. Fuck, we've all done crazy shit, just..." he blew out a breath. "It's just some of these guys will not be entirely honest about what they're sharing." He shook his head like he was remembering something then looked back over at me. "Look. If you do something it's cool, but check with one of us before hand to make sure that person is on the up and up, okay?"
Edward isn’t the typical, possessive stud, making sure everyone knows the new girl is his. He doesn’t ‘piss on her leg’, unfortunately; this doesn’t stop Edward’s loyal friend, Jasper from doing it for him without his knowledge. It also doesn’t stop Bella from claiming what’s hers.
I reached behind me and palmed Edward's junk causing him to jump and let out a surprised choking laugh. Maggie's eyes widened as she looked down at my hand.
"You see this?" I asked giving him a little squeeze for emphasis, plus well it was nice. "This is mine. You are not to think about it, look at it, or do anything that would remotely piss me off about it." I said moving closer to her without removing my hand. I could hear all the guys behind me laughing, I think Edward was holding my hand in place on his junk, but I couldn't be sure.
"If you do, I will pussy punch you so hard your kidneys will fall out your ass." I threatened before flinching towards her causing her to fall back. I laughed and gave Edward one more good squeeze before letting go, for now.
"Fuck pissing on his leg Bella," Alice said as we stumbled drunk as shit along the edge of the hill overlooking the creek down below. "You just fucking tattooed your name across his dick!"
Another thing that is amazing about the
Dirt Roads is the gang.
Bella first meets Alice at the Piggly Wiggly where she is employee of the month. She’s uncharacteristically quiet and her teased hair makes up for what she lacks in height. But her friends “know better than to give Alice moonshine when she has to be in public.”
Rosalie also works at the Piggly Wiggly, offering yeast products and is known for having the best sticky buns in three counties. She even entices Charlie with them.
Jasper "may very well know every possible situation where the history of Intercourse can be brought into a conversation." His first impression of Bella is when she and Charlie enter the diner where he works.
"Excuse me?" I asked the waiter, who seemed to be more interested in his book, Meeting in the middle; The History of Intercourse, than actually, you know, waiting on us. "Can I have a fork, please?"
Putting his book under his arm, the waiter walked over and asked, "How about a spork?"
"Spork. Fork. I don't give a fuck what utensil you bring me, as long as it's not the one in your pants."
"Bella," Charlie scolded. "You'll have to excuse her."
"Yeah. I'm not used to interacting with others. I was released from the asylum just yesterday. Now, may I please have a fork?"
The look on the waiter's face was priceless. If I was going to waste my time here, I was at least going to make it interesting. I got my damn fork and refrained from stabbing it in my eye. No need to cause a scene.
Emmett is my favorite. He works at the Stitched or Stuffed: Vet Clinic and Taxidermy Shop, claiming, "Either way, you get your pet back." He’s the only one of the gang who knows Bella’s community service isn’t voluntary and enjoys his one guess per day about what she did to earn the sentence.
Your boyfriend cheating on you, then cut off his penis and attempted to sell it on eBay?
You drunk dialed the cops by accident trying to order a pizza, then told them my address so they could bring it to me.
You pistol whipped a Taco Bell employee who wouldn't take my order at the drive through because I was on foot.
The town of Intercourse is almost a character itself. Both in the culture shock Bella experiences in adjusting to the small, rural town and the other is by mentioning the name, “Intercourse” in every possible way.
You should try adding Intercourse to every thought, it’s fun. Come on, try it, you know you want to! “Intercourse at night is a dark and scary.” Or, “Bella is confused by the craziness that is Intercourse.”
See, its fun! But as I said, Winehoes do it so much better;
"Well, honey, now we're going to love Intercourse.”
“I was beginning to think Intercourse wasn't all it was cracked up to be.”
"Not even two days here and you've already made Intercourse so much better for me."
“I needed to have control over something in Intercourse.”
“I wasn't going to survive Intercourse, I just knew it.”
“Apparently, Intercourse had made my lips loose.”
“He's been great, introducing me to all sorts of new things in Intercourse.”
Also, you have to love author’s notes that make sure they’re not calling you the C-word when they say “See you next Tuesday!”
Dirt Roads is a fun read. Really, the summary kind of says it all,
Trucker hats, possums, and dirt roads. Shenanigans ensue. Is there really less trouble in the country, or are the kids just better at not getting caught?
